Talking To My Loneliness

      I was captivated in your solitary world the day my destiny freed me from its extravagance. Frustrations and failures, sorrows and sufferings, medicines and meditations followed then. Thank you so much for your arrival in me, for the way you have walked beside me all these 15 months. The instigation of your coming into my life was more of an obligation than a relevance that later transformed into an inclination. I hate to think that you were with me but still I thank you for all that you have explored inside me and taken it out in one or the other form. I never was a thoughtful person and never was an introvert but because of the brunt of your cold isolation, I was able to indulge myself into my not being. I started writing just for the sake of writing (not good though and neither for good but still content). I started looking everyone with skeptical eyes which I think I should have done long before. I became too selfish suddenly and I am very happy to be. I finally could see that I had a family, and many regrets to the past. I stopped drinking but started profuse smoking just to overlook your presence. I could finally see the specks of dust layered on the books of my shelf, my good old friends who were sleeping unnoticed in hope of my revival one day. Thank you so much Camus and Kafka, Gorky and Dostoevsky for waiting me all these years.

      I hate to think that you were with me but I confess that I had started liking you. I tried to avoid you by diverting myself to some abstract paintings hung on the walls of my room but you were there also, telling me off from inside the frames. I tried to ignore you by busying myself on the clicks of google and facebook but my slow ADSL connection didn’t allow it again, kudos to Nepal Telecom. There were times when suicidal tendency evoked me but then you were there again to convince me a big ‘no’. The DVD’s of Visual Studio and SQL Server lying in the cabinet were laughing at the dreams of an unsuccessful software engineer. My HP Notebook could hardly give a break from your company nor could the old melodies stored on the chip of my new Corby Pro. The vacant face of letters marked on the heaps of certificates and achievements I had once earned were laughing at a loser’s defeat and only you comforted me of the loss I had incurred. You were always vigilant on your duty. At all these times, only a thing that could keep you free from me was my Alvanz Guitar but it wasn’t meant for all day and long, again you were there clasping me with your intangible claws. I many times had tried to free myself from your mean quietness but was left with an unusual submission. You didn’t leave me, not even when I was talking to her. Some translations and articles kept me away from you for a time being but at the end of the day, you were standing there tall again with your insane smile making me uncomfortable and irritable. With you by my side, I was never alone.

      After all this, I now think that your arrival in my life was for a reason. Though you have changed me completely, more badly from surface but meaningful and fruitful beneath, your loudness was never inaudible, your harshness was always filled with learning. You have taught me to live once again and spread the wings of hopes. The sleepless nights you gifted me nevertheless loaded dreams in me. You gave irritations, frustrations and negations only to experience and overcome it. Now I am free from all those psychosomatic elements disturbing me now and then and want you to be with me forever but unfortunately you also are not there anymore, leaving me behind with my purpose only. I am now trying to pull out all the stops to reach it.